Your Horoscope For Today
by Athalia
Summary: Harry and Ron decide to have a bit of fun with a Divination project when Ron discovers one of Fred and George's Weird Al CDs lying around the common room...


A/N: Finished at last! It took me forever to write this! Like, three days or something! I have been toying around with this idea for quite some time now, and I'm glad I finally did it! It takes awhile to get to the actual point of this fic, but it gets there. I do hope you enjoy this! Peace, love, and mashed potatoes! ~Athalia. Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related junk belongs to the great and wonderful J.K. Rowling. The song "Your Horoscope For Today" belongs to the great and wonderful Weird al Yankovic. I own the so called plot and some tropical fruit flavored chap stick. ***  
  
"Let the silence engulf you now, class. Noise disturbs the clairvoyance." Professor Trelawneys's special way of saying 'shut up'. Harry and Ron looked at each other, then quickly looked away to keep from bursting into laughter. "Whilst gazing into the orb, the great powers informed me that my fifth year class was ready to advance to the delicate art of star gazing, or 'Astrology'. Trelawney then proceeded to ramble on about what a divine thing stargazing was and other such nonsense. After doing a ridiculously complicated star chart, class was nearly over, and it was time to give out the weekend homework assignment. "For homework I expect you to get in groups of two, and compose a horoscope for at least one person, student or teacher, for each star sign." The class groaned. That was ridiculous! It would take them forever! "I shall give each of you a list of the birth dates of every student and teacher currently in this school. The assignment is due next Friday!" The bell rang, and the fifth years collected the long birth date lists and slunk sadly from the room.  
  
***** (Get it? Little asterisks? Astrology? Bwahaha! I crack me up!)****** *That night, in the Gryfindor common room.*  
  
"Well, you should have dropped Divination, like I did. Such a silly class." Harry and Ron had just finished telling Hermione about the ridiculously huge Astrology assignment Trelawney had given them. Ron gave her a nasty look. Hermione gave him a nasty look right back and said, "If I were you, I'd quit complaining and get started." After about twenty minutes of making up some lame stuff for random people on the list, Harry tossed down his quill. "I can't take much more of this." He slumped back in the large red armchair he was sitting in. "I gotta take a break." "All right," said Ron. In a minute, Harry's eyes closed and his breathing became slower and deeper. Ron was lying sideways in his chair, eyes half closed and mouth slightly open. He was in a spaced out, half unconscious state, and was just about fall into a deep sleep, when he rolled over and his arm slapped the sharp edge of something plastic that had been lying on the coffee table next to him. "Ow!" Ron was returned to consciousness by the pain. He sat up and picked up the object he had hit. Oh. It was the case of a BD, or DC, or CD, or something along those lines. It belonged to Fred and George. They had managed to make Muggle objects work within Hogwarts during summer vacation and had "borrowed" a device that made sound come out of little delicate disc from their father's junk shack. How it worked was beyond Ron. Out of sheer boredom, Ron picked up the plastic case and looked it over. " 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Running With Scissors," he read out loud. Ron shook his head. Muggles had strange minds. So did his brothers. He opened the case and took out the little book. He was wondering who the hell "Eddie Vedder" and "Jerry Springer" could be, when his tired eyes landed on another song title. *** Hermione looked up from her giant Arithmancy book and noticed Harry, now snoring loudly, asleep in a chair, and Ron staring intently at the little book from a Weird Al CD. She smirked. "So, Ron, how's the assignme- " "Quiet, woman! I am having a moment of Ronnish brilliance!" Hermione snorted and went back to her book. Ronnish brilliance? There was a new one. *** After glossing over the lyrics to the song, "Your Horoscope For Today" and looking up a few names on the birth date list, Ron grabbed Harry's shoulder and shook it roughly. "But aunt Petunia, I don't wanna go to Albuquerque." Ron shook him again and this time Harry let out an agitated moan and slowly sat up. "What?" he said, voice slightly slurred. Harry never was a morning person. Ron shoved the little booklet into Harry's hands. "I think I may have found a way to make this project a little more interesting." *** The next Friday, after her fifth year class, Sibyll Trelawney sat in an armchair in the Divination classroom, sorting through the papers her class had just turned in. The separate horoscopes were all written on different scraps of parchment and would be delivered to the people they were meant for via owl post when Sibyll was done grading them. By now, all the students and staff knew about the horoscope project. Most of the students were interested. Most of the staff thought she was a nut. Especially that Minerva McGonagall. Sibyll scowled. She often wondered why she stayed at Hogwarts. Her gifts were obviously not appreciated there. Sibyll flicked through the papers, evaluating them quickly. Oh no, now for Potter and Weasley's. Those two. always acting up in class. She'd get them one day.. Interesting. Potter and Weasley had done theirs in the style of a poem. She read through it. Interesting. Very interesting. Those two might actually have some potential. Their work was certainly unique. *** Madame Hooch sat in her office, polishing the handle of her old Silver Arrow. Ah, the memories in that broom. She recalled her very first Quidditch match. Why, she remembered. an owl crapped on her head. No, not during her first Quidditch match, just now. It was a school owl with another one of those silly Horoscope things. She took the bit of parchment from the owl and shoed it out the window. "Aquarius," it read. "January 20 through February 18. There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus." What the hell? That was the most interesting one she'd gotten all day. Note to self, she thought. Be sure not to accidentally flag down the Knight Bus. The horoscope continued. "Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day." Madam Hooch was indignant. Her life was not pathetic! And all voids were filled by Quidditch! These horoscopes were getting ridiculous. *** The next morning at breakfast, Neville Longbottom was half asleep as he munched on his toast. The mail came, and one of the school owls dropped a bit of parchment on his lap. He picked it up. A horoscope. The first one he'd received. "Pisces," it said. "February 19 through March 20. Try to avoid and Virgos or Leos." Uh-oh. Virgos and Leos. Hermione and Harry were sitting just a few seats down from him. He began to wolf down his food as fast as he could. He had to get out of there! He continued to read the horoscope. "..With the Ebola virus." Oh. Harry and Hermione seemed in good health. He ate at a normal pace again. "You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say." He knew it! He was on fire last year at the Yule Ball. He may have stepped on Ginny's feet a few times, but he was really smokin' out there! *** During breakfast Ron got a horoscope. It turned out to be the one he'd sent himself. He was a Pisces, like Neville. He read it and sighed. Muggles had weird minds. Weird, weird minds. *** Professor Flitwick had to stand up in his chair to reach across the staff table to get the bit of parchment an owl had just dropped there. Egad, a horoscope! "Aries, March 21 through April 19 The look on your face will priceless you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon." Uh-oh. He had been feeling slightly ill lately. "Trade tooth brushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep." Would doing so rid him of the watermelon? Or maybe he should just go see Madam Pomfrey. She'd handled weirder things before. *** That day after breakfast, Minerva McGonagall sat in her empty classroom, reading an old copy of "Martin Miggs; The Mad Muggle", concealed inside a thick book called "The Teacher's Guide To Advanced Transfiguration." The students could never know she took interest in such silly things. She heard a noise and quickly slammed the book shut, but it was only an owl. She groaned. Another one of those silly things. What this time? Would she find her true love this week or be consumed by rabid skunks? Fall of a cliff or write a best selling children's novel? The suspense was killing her (please note the sarcasm) so she read it. "Taurus, April 20 through may 20. You will never find true happiness- what you gonna do cry about?" McGonagall let out the slightest of sniffles, before she remembered that she did not believe in these things. They were stupid and foolish, as was that Trelawney woman. Besides, she had her morning tea, her Martin Miggs books, and her wonderful students. True happiness..right. "The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up to a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep." My weren't they getting creative. (a/n: I can't get rid of this damn little line! Oh, well.. My computer is such a piece of shit!!)  
  
Fred Weasley was in a different world. He was skipping down the Charms Corridor singing along to his favorite Weird Al CD, Running With Scissors.  
  
"THAT'S YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY" he sang. "THAT'S YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR TOADAY!" People were giving him strange looks but he did not care. "THAT'S YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY! THAT'S YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY!" *** "I-hate-Weasleys!" Argus Filch fumed to himself. Always causing trouble, he thought. This time one of them was skipping down a corridor, singing! And causing quite a ruckus. He would get them someday! Those boys would be expelled! Cast out of the Wizarding world! Forever doomed to a life of sorrow and. His thoughts were interrupted by an owl dropping a piece of parchment on his desk. Oh goody. (Again, sarcasm.) A horoscope. "Gemini, May 21 through June 21. Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence." Filch nervously fingered the bottle of Bean-o in his pocket. How did they know? "Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest." At last he was safe there. He didn't have a love life. Ah, well. He had to go catch the Weasley boy, who was screaming something about horoscopes.. *** Professor Sprout was preparing for her first class of the day when there was a tap on the door of greenhouse two. It was an owl with a horoscope. Professor Sprout didn't believe in these things, but she found them funny. She took it and the owl flew of. The horoscope said, "Cancer, June 22 through July 22. The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud." Hmm.she was the Herbology teacher, so she did work with mud a lot, but spending a week in it? No. This time around, she would have to ignore the stars. "Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test." Now that was just weird! Really, really weird! *** Harry got the horoscope he'd sent himself that afternoon in between classes. His said, "Leo, July 23 through August 22. Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face. Oh, no! Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik." Harry didn't like his much. He would've liked to staple a photocopy of his butt to Snape's face, and he detested Strawberry Quik. *** Around the same time Harry got his, a large barn owl brought Hermione her horoscope. "Virgo," it said. "August 23 through September 22. All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent-" Well at least they got something right, thought Hermione. "-Except for you!" GRR! "Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick." Morons. She crumbled up the parchment and threw it in the fire. (a/n: VIRGOS ROCK!!!) *** Fred was still in his own little universe, singing his happy lil' heart out. "THAT'S YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY! THAT'S YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY!" It was then that he realized Filch was chasing him, looking rather peeved and yelling something that Fred could not hear. Fred began to skip faster and kept on singing. "THAT'S YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY! THAT'S YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY!" Filch was gaining on him. He turned a corner, abandoned his merry skipping, and broke into a full run, singing all the while. This was his favorite part of the song. "NOW YOU MAY FIND IT INCONCEIVABLE OR AT THE VERY LEAST A BIT UNLIKELY THAT THE RELATIVE POSITION OF THE PLANETS AND THE STARS COULD HAVE A SPECIAL DEEP SIGNIFAGINCE OR MEANING THAT EXCLUSIVELY APPLIES TO ONLY YOU, BUT LET ME GIVE YOU MY ASSURANCE THAT THESE FORECASTS AND PREDICTIONS ARE ALL BASED ON SOLID, SCIENTIFIC, DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE, SO YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE SOME KIND OF MORON NOT TO REALIZE THAT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE! WHERE WAS I?" *** Severus Snape was furious. This had to be stopped. If he received another one of those damn horoscopes he would scream! An owl swooped in his office's open window and dropped a horoscope on his desk. He screamed, then picked it up, deciding he may as well read the stupid thing. "Libra," it said. "September 23 through October 22. A big promotion is just around the corner." The Defense Against The Dark Arts Job! Maybe these things did have some basis in fact! ".For someone much more talented that you!" The fools. Who could be more talented than him? "Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week." Laughter? Very funny. There was no better medicine than the exact art and subtle science of potion making. Fools. *** Gregory Goyle was asleep in the fifth year Slytherin an owl fluttered in the open window and dropped his horoscope on his head. He grunted and sat up, then grabbed the thing off his. Oh no, not another one! He had made a resolution to himself that he was going to try to read this one. "S.S.Scorpio," he sounded out. "October 23 through November 21. Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from and open window." Uh oh! He got up and very carefully closed the window the owl had flown in. "Work a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem, you stupid freak." Yes! Yes, he would! No more being pushed around by Malfoy, the evil git! No more responding to questions asked in class with a grunt and a stupid look, no more being Goyle, that brain-dead rock of a human being! At long last, Gregory Goyle was taking control of his life! *** Meanwhile, in the Slytherin common room, Draco Malfoy was planning ways to get Potty and the Weasel expelled, when he was delivered yet another horoscope. It said, "Sagittarius, November 22 through December 21. All your friends are laughing behind your back..kill them." Laughing behind his back? Yes, they must die for such a thing! DIE, DIE, DIE! He would do it in the dead of the night.they would be sleeping their beds..dreaming sweet dreams.not suspecting a thing.And then, wand out- NO! he would do it with a knife! It would be so much more painful that way!- Then, knife out, he would toss open their beds' hangings and SLICE! Their days of double crossing would be over! Revenge is sweet and most unnatural murder! MURDER! He began to chuckle to himself. "Ha, ha, ha..ha, ha, ha. MWAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA-" "Draco?" Pansy Parkinson was looking at him oddly. "Are you.okay?" "Oh., erm, yes," he muttered. "Just.thinking of a joke I once heard. I'll have to tell it to you some time. Bye!" He grabbed his horoscope and dashed up to the fifth year dorm. Ignoring Goyle, who was, for some strange reason, reading a book, he flopped down on his bed and read the rest of his horoscope. "Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den." NO! Not his beloved Ernest Borgnine pictures! *** Professor Binns was engaged in his usual activity of staring at the wall, when a school owl brought him a one of those star-prediction thingies he'd been hearing about. It said "Capricorn, December 22 through January 19. The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person.but you know they're lying. If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again." Binns shook his head. He was glad he didn't teach Divination. He was thankful he taught History of Magic, solid, verifiable, fact. *** Filch was only a few yards behind him and gaining quickly yet still, Fred ran on. "THAT'S YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY!" THAT'S YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY!" Fred was slowing down, running out of energy from running as fast as he could and singing at the top of his lungs at the same time. Filch was only a few paces behind him! But he had to keep going! "THAT'S YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY-AY-AY-AY-AY-OW!" Filch had caught up to him and grabbed a fist full of his hair. Fred stopped running, defeated. "Your coming with me, boy!" snarled Filch. "We're going to have a little chat with the headmaster! And would you stop singing that God-awful song?!" "That's your horoscope for tod-" "SHUT UP!" "-Ay." *** Finite! Hey, I heard this rumor that if you press that button that says 'submit review' a million dollars will come streaming out of your printer! So, go on.press it! Toodles! ~Athalia. 


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